I think I've become good at letting go
or rather, detaching myself ahead of the curve, before I can be further hurt by the people I care for & while this is undeniably healthy from a psychological standpoint (or is it?), it isn't always the easiest way to relate to others.
Recently, I've let go of a friendship that had lasted me 8 years.
8 years is quite an ordeal to grieve as it isn't a 'proper' end but rather a gradual acceptance that something that used to be is now gone.
we grew apart, I think is the popular phrase, and while it is poetic in theory, it does not make the sting of realization any less bitter.
There was another friendship as well that I had to detach myself from,
one that wasn't healthy for me,
that made me feel like my existence could not be of interest to anyone.. like literally
as the people in my life never asked the questions that I expected them to; and while I do not have a need to share everything about myself, a need to expose and be exposed, I do not think that I'm a very 'private' person either, and I think it is healthier to let people know you rather than keep everyone at arm's length in an attempt to keep them from hurting you.
And then, of course, was the person that I let go of because they betrayed me
but, in a strange twist of fate, I think that my fear of abandonment began long before that relationship, when I was much younger and I began to realize that people are only in our lives temporarily, despite what they say.
For as long as I can remember, I have been prone to accepting that people will eventually be gone from my life & that nothing is permanent, as much as I want it to be (and in turn, want people to want it to be)
and while I do think that part of that comes from seeing people grow in their lives and move on, it does not help that whenever someone new is introduced, they jump to the idea of being a forever friend & while a part of me thinks
'hmm this time is different'
another part knows that they simply do not know it yet;
and I think that the bitter truth is that people do, in fact, mean what they say when they want to be with you in a moment & want to be with you forever, because right then, they think they want to be.
The problem is that people change (often), and what they want changes, too, and while I do think that people should never hold you back from being what you want to be, I also think that it is very easy to lose people at times when they are no longer present in your life, whether it be from busyness, distance, disinterest, healing or even just a lack of desire anymore; and I think that I am a victim of my own detachment as whenever someone comes to me with the intent of being close (and especially being really close), rather than being happy at the idea of someone that thinks positively about my existence, I am afraid of the realization that it will not last, and the time when I will have to lose them. I don't want to be so detached from my relationships, but that is a psychological defense mechanism that is not easily shed, especially when a part of you knows that people really do only stay for a period of time. I think that the psychology of detachment is a very nuanced thing, as it is good for us in some ways (like not abandoning ourselves over relationships that are unhealthy or toxic)
I think that the issue with 'fearful avoidant attachment' (how i currently am) if you will,
is that it makes you want to be close to people but fear that closeness as much as you desire it; so you want to trust people but you trust yourself more, and you want to be safe but you know people only hold you for so long.
You want to believe people when they say you are important to them, but you doubt them and yourself when they come too close because you subconsciously prepare yourself for the day when you cannot.
I think that to detach is to grieve, in a way; not only are you grieving the loss of the person, but the loss of what that person meant to you; and while you may have had a toxic relationship, it still meant something to you, and you will mourn the loss of that emptiness when things are over because you have grown out of it, or out of them. Perhaps it's worse with relationships and friendships that were once good and are now ended or fading out, as there is something to be said about the familiarity, the comfort of a person that has known you for far longer than you've known them, but also the bitterness of the loss of that same comfort as you become more distant with the passing of time.
People that I let go of, or rather, people that I have, in the past few years, had to let go of in my head, are many, and I think that it is the psychological process of doing so that I find interesting (though it is not a very comforting realization).
Not that I did not care for them anymore; it is often the inverse, that caring itself was a burden as I had to stay too focused on the potential of loss and of hurt rather than what they brought into my life at the time.
It is hard to explain really, the feeling of giving up on people that don't give up on you (and in many cases, don't even realize that they hurt you)
and you grow tired of explaining and hoping that they will, one day, be interested in you more than they are; and you move on, or rather, you stop moving forward and watch as they move on without you.
I think that I have grown too used to this process, and it is the reason that I think I have 'learned' these lessons too well.
When I am presented with kindness, I think that it is lovely but that it cannot last, and I do not allow myself to be as happy as I should be because I know that people often only want to be with you for a while, and it is a depressing prospect. It is, however, a safe one, and so perhaps I do not truly care about new people because to care for them too much means to hurt myself in the future. I think it is sad in a way, that being too afraid to be close to people makes me close to nobody, but in another sense I think it is healthier than being disappointed over and over in people I thought were important to me when really they were not. I do not think that I am truly punishing new people for the mistakes of my past, but I think that I am subconsciously doing it, and I think it is a coping defence mechanism that is difficult to overcome. Perhaps, someday, I will learn that not everyone leaves out of selfishness or fear, but rather out of necessity, but I am not there yet. I think I need to, and I do hope to, learn to appreciate people for who they are as much as I can before letting them go, and I think I need to learn to stay present without thinking about the future.